got rhythm

to all my people on the left jump jump
to all my people on the right jump jump
get down, get down
do your dance and turn around....
kick L, stomp, and jump R
kick R, stomp, and jump L
turn right ...stomp L...clap 2x
turn left...stomp R...clap 2x
face forward and pause
to be continued..

Listen

Change has many different faces and I like to think that change is always a good thing. But always is too permanent. Things and people in my world are changing ever so subtly and I am aware of the changes. I went to an "event" and let's just say, it made me realize how much I have changed over the years. Yes, I am only 23 years old...but I have learned so much from observing and listening to others and my heart.

Listening is truly a gift.

If I listen long enough, I can hear the bitterness, the anger, the growing pain of people who don't feel like anyone is listening to them. But, someone is always listening.

Sometimes, I listen and I hurt. I listen and I become vulnerable. I listen and I believe in you. I listen and I trust. I can't help but sometimes turn my back on some requests because I know that if I follow that road, I will be destroyed. Destroyed?! Yes, destroyed by the passion, the power, the commitment to do the "right" thing for you when you do not even care about yourself. How can I care more about you than you do? Why do I care more about you than you do?

Do you hear me sometimes? The beating of my heart, the tears in my eyes, the worry in my voice or do you only hear yourself? When do I get to tell you how important you are to me and you believe me and I believe you. I wish I could say that I was sorry for listening and loving. But, I'm not and I will never be sorry.

Listening is a gift.

Yes, the book of James in the Bible was right about the tongue. It is powerful. Oh, how the words that we speak can build a person up or tear a person down. And I hope and I pray that I am not the one tearing a person down. But, I've been torn down a time or two and it's fine. Every time I listen, I take a leap of faith that this time...the words have feeling. This time...there is no manipulation, deceit, dishonesty, lies, treachery. This time...is different. This time...it's personal. This time...it's real.

And I pray to God, it's real. What's real? I'm real. You're real. This isn't some big game and the jokes on me. There isn't some fake wizard at the end of the rainbow. There isn't a "guess what? you're out" at the end of the conversation because that would be tragic. I'm not a comedian and I'm not laughing. I'm serious and I hope that you know that. I've always been serious because I care. But, caring cost something and the price is not always right. Sometimes, the price has been a bit high and I paid for it and I hurt for it. But, I'd do it all again to have the opportunity just to listen and to love.

Random Poetry by Richard Brautigan [thanks Sylvie:)]

Boo, Forever
Richard Brautigan poem

Spinning like a ghost
on the bottom of a
top,
I'm haunted by all
the space that I
will live without
you.

Man
Richard Brautigan poem

With his hat on
he's about five inches taller
than a taxicab.

Remember...

So easy we
are
to
forget
the ones who
helped us make
it
so
far
Remember

Love the life you've chosen to live.

So, as a friend mentioned, I haven't updated my blog in months-- tis true. So, finally, I'll revive this external commentary on the internal workings of my mind. There's so much that I could say. Hmm. You know how people say you never know what you have until you've lost it. I really hope that everything that I have around me, inside of me, and connected to me --- I truly value, without reserve. And if I don't know how valuable someone is, hopefully I'll discover.

It's so easy to get caught up in life, especially in medical school. Medical school gives you so many opportunities to get lost in the details, the mechanisms, the organ systems, the pathology, mnemonics, preparation for boards, etc. Everything is occurring at such a quick pace. It's already October, 2.5 months and the year is over. It's amazing.

But I don't want to lose pieces of myself in the process because undeniably medical school does change you. I noticed the changes more so this year than last year. When you're studying normal systems, you learn it and move on. But when faced with diseases where the best treatment is questionable and you know that's there nothing you can do-- it's frustrating and emotionally exhausting. This year, I had many conflicting thought processes about my role as an aspiring physician in fighting the disease process. Of course, you want to think that you can "heal" the patients. I had this misconception going into medical school. I learned that the literal meaning of "doctor" was actually teacher. This changed my perspective. I realized that medicine was an imperfect art -- always in need of practicing.

I came into contact with a patient with pancreatic cancer and she had 3 months to live. She said "I've seen a lot of things, I've been a lot of places, I lived a good life." I sat in the chair looking her and realizing that medicine had nothing to offer her at this stage in her disease. I'd like to think that we had all the answers, but we don't. It's hard to look in someone's face knowing that nothing you say or do can help the situation at that point. So, I had to accept that hard truth.

Well, that's enough for the moment. I guess that I should be more dedicated to this blog...at least once a month..hahahhaha..we'll see...

Randomness
Color of the Day: Red
Word of the Day: Didactic
Song of the Day: This is Your Life [Switchfoot]
Food of the Day: Broccoli
Quote[s] of the Day:
Maturity begins to grow when you can sense your concern for others outweighing your concern for yourself.
--- John MacNaughton

We don't see thing as they are, we see them as we are.
--- Anais Nin

Seek out that particular mental attribute which makes you feel most deeply and vitally alive, along with which comes the inner voice which says, 'This is the real me,' and when you have found that attitude, follow it.
--- William James

Waste

You know what I hate and hate is a strong word. I hate when people waste my time. I absolutely hate it. Without a purpose, a function, a mission, a vision...people will waste the time that you have and before you know it, you look up and you've lost...so much...too much to recover.

This is a good Place.

People have lived their entire lives searching for a reality that never existed. I don’t want to live my life regretting the decisions that I made, wishing I had lived differently. There are moments in your life where you need to pause. I’m at that moment right now. I just finished my first year of medical school and I sincerely don’t think that its hit me yet.

I’m not scared about my future. There is no place for fear in faith and trust in God. I believe that medicine is my calling, a distinct part of my purpose in life. I just know that I really want to make a difference in the world.

I attended a graduation ceremony this weekend and the main speaker was Joyce Carol Oates, who might I add was amazing. [My close friend, Lisa graduated…congratulations Lisa!!!] But, her speech talked a lot about the failure that one can experience in the way to success. She mentioned several well known authors who were rejected a number of times, yet they still persisted. When it seemed that all hope was lost—something miraculous would happen and life changed.

Failure on the way to success is a part of life. But, there is always hope. The future is wide open. The possibilities are truly endless. With determination and focus, worlds can be conquered. Dedication to ones self and purpose go hand in hand.

There is so much to think about and so much to be thankful for in this life. The little things that I take for granted in the United States could be huge in a different country. And yet we live everyday, enjoying the freedoms that are all around us. If I took it for granted, I no longer take it for granted. If I didn’t appreciate the people who love me, I’d be a fool. If I can not be a good friend, in my personal life I have failed. If I don’t love God, I have lost my true identity.

After all, when it comes down to it, all I have is my God, my family, and my friends.

Ingrid's ....

Word of the day: Smatter

Color of the day: Blue

Food of the day: Brownie

High point of the Day: Hasn't occurred Yet.

Low point of the Day: Receiving no meaningful emails today.

Quote of the Day: "Friends, though absent, are still present." - Cicero

Hidden

Some people are users. They smile in your face, they don't have to lie behind your back...no...they just use you until your time is up. But you thought differently. You had no idea that the entire time, perhaps they didn't even care about you?! Perhaps. How can you be sure? Only Time Will Tell.

Read between the Lines

so rare the glimpses of the human soul
so profound the meaning of the words it speaks
so copious the notes our minds should make
of the people in the world that we so embrace
that we know in times of good or bad
they'll be there and give our life
a burst of energy love peace and hope
so appreciative i've because
now that i know
that friendships are
blankets covers and envelopes
of the human soul

Time

and if time were to stop.... and go we with our lives from second to second from moment to moment sharing the words that come from our heart and soul
we pour out the moment into memories and pictures hoping one day we will look and relive knowing once the moment is gone there is no way to rewind the time
gone like the wind,the rain, the sun that dries the ground, gone like ant stomped on by the foot of the human giant looking down at the small and helpless
yet time moves on and waits... for... no one

It Doesn't Match

I ask you una pregunta and you say all the right things. Your answer in the moment es perfecto. Pero, your actions tell me differently.

Life

Life is in the details. Life is not in the chit chat, the chatter, the "how are you?" -- "fine" ---pass by, I don't know you, you don't know me...awkward pause... see you later. Life is in the details. But have you noticed, sometimes it seems that life is so full of chatter, idle chatter. Stop the madness. Please. You don't have to be "deep." But, please.... be meaningful.

Personal Thoughts

Does it matter that you care so much? Does it matter that you give? Does it matter that you have a huge heart with love to share? Life is like a flash of lightening --live it, love it, leave it behind. Live everyday like it's your last. You don't know the future. You don't know what could happen the next minute, hour, day. Tell me, do you know the future? Do you know my future? No. Only God does.

Each day is not set in stone. We make choices and decisions each day. People change. Leaves fall. Roses Bloom. The Clock Ticks.

Life = Perception: maybe, maybe not. Love is painful. Relationships are work.

NOW is the time only time I have--- I don't want to waste it. Don't waste my time, I won't waste yours. I spend time with you because I want to, not because I have to...Quality time. Honesty is the best policy. Don't lie to me and I won't lie to you. Lie to me and I won't lie to you; but I won't trust you either, take your pick. Don't regret. As my father taught me the law of reciprocity is real.

Forgive me when I'm wrong. Tell me when I upset you. Be real. Have fun. Enjoy life or forget it and be miserable. You make your day.

Here and Now

Ok, so I have a total of nine minutes to share with you my life's story---hahahaha, yeah right. No, actually I'm on a study break and I realized that I have been extremely delinquent with this blog. I mean, horrible just horrible. So, life has been crazy. Med school is ... med school. It's an interesting phenomena. Med school in a nutshell (so far) has been a highly stressful, yet satisfying, challenging, and a meaningful experience. But, I've only been in this business for what a month -- so I can add and substract adjectives as I continue "on my journey" (hahhaha). I'll keep you posted.

Less than Two Weeks

I'm starting medical school in 1 week and 6 days. AHHHH!!!! Exciting. I really don't know what to expect. Well, I do know that it will be a lot of work....and that is an understatement.